The Cat Burglar
by pinkish-red hearts
Summary: It was a typical evening, even with the slight disturbance of his catsitting of Ser Pounce. The sound of the cat flap was normal. The knocking of the door wasn't. Modern AU.


**Author's Notes: Published last January 2018 on ao3.**

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Jaime heard the familiar sound of the cat flap slapping against his door. While he was fine with handling cats, he wasn't exactly too fond of them but his nephew, Tommen, sometimes asked him to babysit Ser Pounce when the boy was away for a trip. He'd had the cat flap installed because he came home one day with his house in a great mess while Ser Pounce was scratching at his expensive weirwood door. The cat proved himself smart anyway, eerily having a schedule of leaving and coming back, hence the expected sound of the cat flap at around nine pm.

What he didn't expect was the pounding on his door about less than a minute later.

Groaning, he made himself get up to answer the door. It was evening and he usually didn't have late night visitors unless it's his family, take-out, or the very occasional hooker he hired when he was feeling very horny and lonely. But Jaime was certain that he hadn't ordered food. There was no sound of a car outside either so the too-rich-to-commute Lannisters were out. And Jaime was too tired for any _sultry_ activities.

He swung the door open, about to give whoever was behind the door a piece of his mind, but his vision was assaulted with the most heavenly blue eyes that his own green ones ever laid upon.

The most heavenly blue eyes promising to deliver hell.

He took in the rest of the face—pale, freckled, and topped with straw blonde hair that barely reached her shoulders. She was ugly (but he was certain she was a woman), no doubt about that. Her scowl didn't help her appearance either. Then, he gave her body a once over. Her white shirt showed her flat chest, her shoulders were broad and muscular, and she barely had the curve on her hips, but he glanced down and saw her mile long legs encased in tight leggings.

His mind retracted his earlier statement. With those eyes and legs, Jaime was kinda turned on. Still, he tried to be casual and not make the woman think he was a creep. He gave his visitor his signature smirk.

"What do I owe the pleasure of your presence, Miss...?"

The woman scowled deeper. "Tarth. Brienne Tarth." _Brienne_. He liked her name. He wanted to test it on his tongue but she spoke. "And your cat has been stealing from me."

Jaime softened his features to a more serious expression. Ser Pounce was known to be a bit of a troublemaker in the neighborhood. Nobody just ever complained about it because they were afraid of Jaime's last name. If Tommen wasn't such a sweet boy, he would never _ever_ take in that stupid cat under his roof. But the shrewd Ser Pounce would pretend to be all good and sweet once his master takes him back. The nasty shit.

"What has he stolen?" Jaime sighed.

Suddenly, the sight of sapphire irises were taken away from him as she averted her gaze, replaced by an interesting crimson blooming her cheeks.

"I—uh…" she stammered.

"What? Is it your tongue the cat stole, Brienne?" Jaime liked the feel of her name in his tongue, teasing her. Unbidden, his mind assaulted him with thoughts of other ways to tease her using his tongue.

"He—uhm—he stole my..." Jaime could feel her skin turn into an inferno and he felt like a moth drawn to her blushing flame. "your...your...YOURCATSTOLEMYUNDERWEAROKAY?"

Brienne huffed before her eyes blazed as hot as her skin. "I just moved around here a week ago and my..." She visibly gulped. "...my underwear began disappearing."

"This isn't the first time?" Jaime inquired.

Brienne shook her head and continued, "I just happened to catch the cat in the act tonight so I followed him here."

Jaime almost laughed at her story but he held back. Though his grin grew wider. "If you just wanted to say hi to your hot neighbor. You didn't need to concoct a story. The name's Jaime, by the way."

She looked downright murderous yet Jaime hadn't found his pants this uncomfortable just by a woman staring at him like she wanted to kill him.

"Listen, sir. If this... underwear shenanigan is your idea of a neighborhood welcome to the new ugly girl then you can go fuck yourself!"

Jaime flinched as if he'd been slapped. He wanted to feel sorry for her, he really did, but he hated being accused of something he didn't do.

"Look, Brienne. I'm not the nicest person. Hells, I'll even go so far as to call myself an asshole but I did not steal your underwear."

Brienne opened her mouth to retort but a loud purring interrupted her. Jaime recognized the sound coming from the kitchen. He sought the source of the noise and motioned Brienne to follow him.

It was definitely coming from the kitchen.

They went around the kitchen, occasionally ducking until they both found themselves squatting in front of the cabinet under the kitchen sink. Jaime grabbed the handle and opened it.

And the mystery was solved. Under his kitchen sink was a small mountain of underwear.

But the new mystery was that there was not one but two cats on top of the underwear pile, as if they were a king and queen sitting upon a throne.

"Lo and behold the king and queen of the kitchen sink, perched upon the panty throne!"

"Jaime!" Brienne shrieked, slapping his arm.

Jaime hid the pain of her slap with a smile but he still rubbed the sore spot. "It seems Ser Pounce here has been stealing your panties to woo his lady love. The little shit. I certainly did not want another cat to babysit and I'm certain he'll take in this other cat, too. I'm gonna have to learn saying no to my nephew. I can barely deal with Ser Pounce alone."

"He's not your cat?" she asked.

"Nope. So, I definitely did not teach him to steal panties."

"Oh." Brienne blushed, looking ashamed. "I'm sorry. I just—"

"Yeah. I kinda get it. You being wary and stuff." Jaime didn't mention anything about her appearance.

"I'm not getting those back." Brienne crinkled her nose in disgust. "Who knows what they've been doing on that."

"You sure your… natural scent didn't already stain it?"

"What? No!" She slapped him again in the arm, harder this time, causing Jaime to audibly yelp. "They were clean when the cat stole it. Thank gods!"

"I'm just teasing you, woman. You're so easy to tease." He could see her flinch a bit, so he quickly tried to amend himself. "And take no offense in it. I am verbally savage to everyone and I'm not even in full asshole mode right now."

She was still cautious but she did relax slightly.

"Anyway, I guess I should compensate you for _that_ ," Jaime said, pointing to her panty pile. "Would just monetary do? Or do you want me to help you buy a new set because frankly, all I see in there are granny panties."

He expected her to slap him again but there was oddly… relief in her features. "Shut up!" she still managed to say with true vehemence though.

"Monetary, it is then, but do allow me to make it up to you more. Why don't you let me cook you food?"

"Oh, I don't really want to intrude any more than I have."

"It's really alright, Brienne."

Jaime was about to close the cabinet to give the _couple_ some privacy when he noticed something glaringly blue under Ser Pounce's feline lover. He grinned.

"I stand corrected," Jaime said, and for some reason, Mrs. Ser Pounce moved out of the way to reveal even more of the garment she hid. "You actually do have a saucy side to you."

Crimson colored Brienne's whole face, down to her neck, chest, disappearing into her v-neck.

"Don't… A friend made me buy it okay?"

All Jaime managed was a laugh, but all the while, he was hoping to get a chance to see her in something like the lacy, electric blue thong on topmost of the pile.

"Well, it matches your eyes at least," he finally said, hoping to silence his creepy perverted thoughts with something that sounded almost romantic.

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 **Author's Notes: Based on a prompt I snatched from a fic I was reading in another fandom: "My cat steals underwear and I come home to find you chasing my cat to get your underwear back." so this is probably more inspired by the fic than the actual prompt XD**


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